Chapter 5 : The Time You Thought of Ending your own Life.

Been more than a year since i left the Challenge. Forgive me.


I have thought of ending my life. Even though i was name Appy, it doesn't stop me from thinking like everyone else.

There are times where i feel so hopeless, so unwanted, tired and doesn't have the strength to face  another day.

I thought no one will love me anymore, but I hold on to the quote where God wont give challenge if He knows you cant handle it. And these challenges are the stepping stone for you to grow up. You just have to get over it, go through it or step on it. Whatever makes you feel strong. Or just sleep on it. :)


Whenever you feel or thought about ending your life, REMEMBER, there are people who wish to be alive for another day.

Keep praying and Everything will be alright. 

Here Comes November

Hello ...

Been a while since the last entry..:)

A lot has been happening.. Family, Workplace, Love...

But forget about all of it, because its NOVEMBER !!

It's the month i've been waiting for actually. Been a while since i am excited for birthdays. Never really celebrate a birthday on my own. Not the one that i really remember. The only birthday that i really remember is

1) When I received my UPSR result. My parents throw a party for me, with a cake with book design. I don't know how my mom did it, but its the first i feel celebrate for me. ( even though im sharing the night with my sister, since we share the same birthday month).

2) When I'm in Form 5, it was SPM season. So my hostel mates decide to throw the old traditional birthday celebration. I was thrown with mud and stinky eggs, laundry water and my toiletries was been kept away. I have to stay wet for 1 hour when i decide to hug everyone who involved. They say they have been waiting for my birthday, because its the only time they can celebrate (meaning , to throw stinky mud and eggs all over me ), since my birthday is during the school holidays.

3) I was 19 when my birthday was celebrated in the club.I remember they have the fire thingy where you have to sip it untill its finish, and YES together with the fire. It was quite a day, because earlier that day the car that we ride in was out of gas, and we have to push it untill the next gas station.

and the rest of my years was celebrate via SMS's, WhatsApp messages, Facebook and Instagram comments. Not that i appreciate it, i really DO appreciate everyone wishes, but it must be good to celebrate it with someone we really love.

For this birthday, i wish for

1) Good Health. I want to keep my health in check. Not only me, but my family nad my Mr Cali as well. I want them to be in good condition because i really hate getting a phone where they call me antelling me bad news.

2) Good Wealth. Im not verry good with money. I know that :). That's why i want to learn to save money. I probably need to find a way to generate money, since i might need more. My finance is ok, with my lifestyle at this moment, but f it added with my siblings needs, I always be broke by the end of the month. I need something to make sure my finance can get me steady in at least 2 months, when suddenly my job does not requires me one day.

3) Love Life. I love my life, and the people in it. And i want to keep it that way. Some people might make me frustrating all the time, and some time nerve wrecking to the head. But i still love them, because their character made me who I am today. They teach me how handle difficult people.

4) Live Life. I want to live my life as much as I can, as happy as I can be. I want to make people around me happy. I want to make my family and my Mr Cali happy.


Happy Birthday to all November Babies.

My sister Sunny and Theclas, My cousins, Meo, Cliff, Alysa, my colleagues, Alex, angkol William, and Jonathan, My fruit child, Danzel.

I'm Sorry For...

I'm sorry for talking too much.
I'm sorry for asking too many questions.
I'm sorry for the silly question i asked.
I'm sorry for repetitive question i ask.
I'm sorry for trying to make conversation.
I'm sorry for trying to make our conversation interesting.

I must have lost muse.
I must have lost stories to tell.
Imust have lost interest.

I'm sorry for trying.

Clarity

I need him, because I Love him

Another week pass by. A lot has happen. But, I can say I can find clarity in my life right now. Something sure. Something worth fighting for. And its my man, Mr Cali.

I was involved in an accident couple weeks ago, and it was bad, really bad. Not only I hit a dog, but also another car,which is parked in the sideways. We were lucky that our car but the car, because we would have broken to two, if we hit the pole .
I was shaking, traumatised. One thing popped up in my mind is I broke Mr Cali baby white car. And I hit the dog. And when I finally step out from the car, I saw another car with broken door, and I was thinking, did someone died?.. I was trying so much, and I don't know what I'll do if Mr Cali wasn't there.
He was so calm. He grabbed me first, calm me down and start making calls. He was so dependable since I am crying and shaking. After a while, people start gathering and asking him stuff and I can see he started to feel uncomfortable. I know that face. So, I finally take over. I calm him down and let me do the taking. Since we are at my mother-tounge speaking are, so its better if I'm the one do the talking than him.
I can see people looking at him like stranger, because he looks different. But I convince them that he just like us. Then people start to talk and give ideas on how to settle things appropriately without annoys him.
And this is where I think I found my clarity.
I always thought that he is younger than me by age, but he was actually more mature than me. He handle things so calm. He ask opinions from me. He loves so much, bit doesn't suffocate me. And the endless effort. Ahh, I just love the effort. I love when he really show that he loves me. In front of his family, his friends.
He said I was amazing. Amazing?? I never thought someone would say that about me. Because it always like I know everything. He always ask me things and somehow I always knows  thing. But I feel happy when someone say that. I need it.
So for me, he may not be a perfect boyfriend who will be with you 24/7 ushering you everywhere you want to, fair skin and play really good guitar. But, for sure, I know he will be the Best Husband because he loves me, more than anything in the world, not even his money, not even his Baby White car which hit over a dog and another car. I know he will fly over to me if anything happen to me, and i know i can always can count on him. I know his love infinite so I want to return that love by giving everything of me.

I need him, because I love him. I can't imagine life without him. And I want spend forever with him.

P/s I Love You, Mr Cali.

Chapter 4: Views on Religion

I'm changing Days to Chapter.

Since the new boss coming in, I barely have time to do blog. But, I'm changing things around. I will still going to finished the challenged, but will turn it into chapters instead of days. So I won't feel guilty everyday for not blogging.

Views on Religion.

I am a Catholic. People say we always guilty. Because Jesus die for us, and yet we still do the same sin everyday. Maybe not for some of us. I am a Catholic since I was born. Being a Catholic is not what others say , very strict and a lot of rules. For me, being a Catholic makes you feel closer to God, not just only based on the Holy Bible but through our daily life.

I confess that I haven't read the whole Holy Bible. But, doesn't mean I am a bad Christian. I don't think that reading the Holy Bible over and over again will put you into different category. I am more to practise the living as a Catholic, not the one who are too obsessed with the Holy Bible.

I made friends with a lot of different people. My best friends are Muslims. They are very open Islam believers. They wear hijab and pray 5 times a day, but I never feel discrimination with them. I understabd their needs to pray and they should understand me to pray.

I guess religion is platform for you to get closer to God. As a Catholic, I feel closer to God, when I pray Our Father, Ave Maria and when I sing holy songs. Probably as a Muslims, they feel closer to God when they pray 5 times a day and follow all rules.

One common thing about religion is they never ask us to do bad things, such as killing people and stuff. It just not right. Some people use religion as their way to kill people. That's just sick!

I believe if all religion respect each other, the world would be in peace. But the Satan needs to work too.

Sincerly,
APPY.H.S

Thank You

I feel I want to speak to Lord this time.

Dearest Lord,

Hi there. Probably been a while since we talked. Thank you for saving us the other day. The accident was pretty messed up, but luckily no one injured. Except for the dog who ran into us and died. I am sorry for that. I hope his soul rest in peace with the other dogs.

For this day, I would like to say thank you. For everything I have in life. I must say, its near perfection. I couldn't ask for more, well maybe I can :) but now it's almost great.

My parents. Amazing parents. Sometimes annoying :), but that's what parents should be. Even thou they are not the brightest people on earth, they have big qualities. Big heart. They care for us, so much. Sometimes, they may not understand, but they are always there to listen. And they always support us. Doesn't matter how stupid our decision is. I love them very much. I am practically devoted my life to make them happy. Until I got married and start to have my own family. :)

I am grateful for my big family. I think we are the most greatest big family ever. We are so close and so devoted with each other. We treat each other as brothers and sisters. We backed up each other, and took care of each other. I hope this relationship will stay strong. Always, forever.

Commitment

I guess I have issue with commitment.

I always wants to get married. I want to have children of my own. I want to have someone who always there for me. Physically and mentally. I want someone to hold at night, to listen to me at 3am . I want someone who there for me, support me and never want anything else than me. I want someone who accept my flaws and understand than I am not perfect.

I don't want long distance relationship. I want somebody here, for me. Whenever I need him. I don't want to have a relationship on phone. I don't want relationship based on money status or, education status. I need someone who make me as his first priority. Who accept me even If I lie to him, so many times. Who always listen to what I like, and what I don't like. Who care for my feeling.

I am afraid for being alone again. I'm afraid of being let down. Im afraid that life surprises me in a way I couldn't accept it. I'm afraid I don't have enough courage to fight for it. Because I still have doubt. Or maybe I'm still waiting for the same person. ?

Whatever it is, I'm tired of planning. Tired of waiting. Tired of expecting. Tired of trying so hard.

When your mind conflicted with your heart, which one do you choose?